I was initially inspired the Nietzsche quote, “Whoever fights monsters should see to it that in the process he does not become a monster. And if you gaze long enough into an abyss, the abyss will gaze back into you.”
At times throughout the past few years, throughout our daily battles, I found myself to be a monster. Not only to you or to myself, but to the world. I, at times, was someone so unrecognizable, the only trace of life was my pulse heavy in my ears. You were the catalyst to me meeting that monster. Looking back, I feel as though I needed to meet her, in order to learn who I was becoming at the time, and most importantly; who I never wanted to be.
As I felt through more time I went back and forth, is the monster the substance, or is it the addiction itself? I, at no point, ever labeled you as the monster. At least not the you that I believe you truly are. Maybe you have transformed into this creature or maybe it acts as the Jekyll to your Hyde.
I don’t know much for sure, and I am okay with not having all the answers because I’m tired of trying to understand something I could never put to words. I hope that one day, you can look back and consider me as your clever medicine. I hope that through this near impossible feat of heartbreak, I somehow helped save your life.